Essay Commentary & Response

            I chose to write my commentary on Natasha’s essay, “The Loss of Individuality.” I thought that this way a great essay with a lot of strong points; however, there was not a lot of analysis into any of these points. Although you raised them, you never supported them with evidence, and seemed instead to base most of your argument off of opinion. There was a point in your paper in which you spoke about whether or not the Internet suppressed the voices of the general public. You at first made a strong point, that it promotes an environment in which people can gang up on those with differing opinions. You then offered a strong refutation, that it could also be an opportunity to open your eyes to new ideas. However, you then ended the refutation with, “Overall, I think it just suppresses it.” There was no factual evidence to support your claim; the only thing you offered was your opinion. There were no concrete facts throughout your argument; I would work on gathering more sources to give your argument a more well-rounded base.

            Some things that I questioned throughout your essay were as follows: what were some examples of various “trends” that people conformed to on Facebook, Twitter, and other social networking sites? If you could provide specific examples, I think it would really add to your argument, because when I read it for the first time, I could really think of times when people conformed so massively on Facebook or Twitter, and it made me want to know what you were thinking when you wrote that so we could have insight into your thoughts. In addition, how are people becoming too dependent on the internet? In the same way, I wanted to see concrete evidence or factual information to back up your claims.

            The final thing I found fault in was your conclusion: it tried to talk about too many points and ended up just sounding jumbled. I would recommend narrowing your points down so you could talk about one specific topic and relate it to a bigger idea, rather than just summarizing each of your paragraphs. Overall, it had a really strong foundation, but just needs to be expanded upon with facts and evidence. However, it was still a great read, and I look forward to reading it once you’ve revised it!